When People Don't Believe You
Have you ever been going through something that you held in for a long time, but once you finally told somebody about it, they did not believe you? If you have experienced this, then you can relate to what a lot of people that have experienced domestic violence have gone through. Many times it is hard for a person that has experienced domestic violence to reach out to someone. Most times people won't believe them. The most common reason that people say they do not believe a person is because they did not speak out about it before hand.
Here is a scenario: Let's say that there is a woman who is in a abusive relationship with her husband. Lets say that he emotionally, financially, and physically abuses her everyday. The woman has drifted off and does not associate with her family and friends as much as she use to because of the abuse. Her friends and family say that she is acting funny because she is married. They have no idea what she is going through and when she does bring her husband around they seem like the perfect couple. He is helping her with everything, he is always smiling and she is smiling(but still not talking much). All her family and friends love him. She does not want her family and friends to think anything bad about him so she continues to keep quiet. Of course, she believes that her husband truly loves her because he tells her that. Finally, one day she decides to tell her parents what is going on and their response is "oh he couldn't possibly do something like that , he is such a great man for you. Why would you say such things about him?" So she reaches out to her friends and they tell her "Oh you are just overreacting, all relationships and marriages have their share of troubles". So now she shuts down again because nobody believes her and she starts to believe that maybe she is overreacting.
LETS TAKE A BREAK FROM THE SCENARIO FOR A SECOND: If this scenario is starting to seem similar to yours PLEASE know that you are NOT overreacting all relationships and marriages have their share of troubles, but ABUSE of any form whether it be emotionally, mentally, financial, physical, or spiritual is NOT acceptable. A man or woman who loves you will respect you and love you as they love themselves. They will know how to sit down and talk and control their anger without hurting you with words or actions.
BACK TO THE SCENARIO: So about an month after reaching out to family and friends, the family and friends receive a phone call stating that the young lady is in the hospital. So every one rushes to the hospital and once they arrive, they see that she has been severely beaten and they wonder who could have done this to her? When they find out that it was the husband they start to feel bad and they still wonder how that could have happened.
CONCLUSION: By the grace of God, the woman in this scenario survived as this is a fictional story, but in real life it could have been different, this woman could have died from the abuse that she suffered . When people reach out to you about serious situations like this it is important to try to understand them and help them. You have to do away with your own feelings about the situation. Don't discount a persons story because of their past, because they did not speak out it when it first happened, or because they don't look like anything is happening to them. You have a chance to help someone get their life back on track or even save their life. PLEASE LISTEN when someone comes to you and find out how you can help them.
A MESSAGE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE OR HAVE EXPERIENCED DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:
When people do not listen to you, keep on moving. If you know you are in an abusive situation, reach out to a shelter, find some advocates online if offline won't help you. Find some survivors, pray, make a plan to get out and follow through with that plan. People won't always believe you but your life is worth way more than what people think and regardless of what you have been told or what you are feeling at this moment, YOU DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR LIFE IS PRECIOUS AND GOD WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE UNHAPPY AND MISERABLE. YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND FILLED WITH JOY. YOU DESERVE A PARTNER WHO IS GOING TO BE THERE FOR YOU, SUPPORT YOU, HELP YOU, ENCOURAGE YOU AND LOVE YOU.
If you have any questions please email Nicole at nicole@faithfuldeedsfoundation.org or visit the website www.gardenofpurpose.com or www.faithfulfeedsfoundation.org
Great thoughts! I love your thoughts for the abused woman at the end!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Caroline
DeleteThank you so much for just putting this out there. I am shocked and amazed that more awareness is not out there about DV, survivors and the complexity surrounding it. In my search for other bloggers (I have a blog in which I address this topic and other very serious issues) that had the gutts to tackle this subject, I was disappointed to find only one or two.
ReplyDeleteI am a survivor myself, and am now ready to blow the top off this joint.;)
It infuriates me to think I once went through this and that nobody believed me. Even, some shelters seem to share in this attitude. So sad.
so many blessings for your blog, and I can't send enough praise for the job you are doing.
StarrBrite
Thank you so much StarrBrite, thank your for reading and commenting. Many blessings to you on your blog as well. I will definitely check out your blog.
DeleteI was sexually abused as a small child, then again as a teenager. No one listened to or believed me, so the abuse continued until I left home. Then I married a man who was more abusive than anything I'd previously experienced. The courts didn't believe me, nor did DCF or the police. I've been through years of counseling for all of this and eventually remarried. Even though I have no contact with my ex husband he is still very active in my adult daughter's life, and she adores him. He has lied to her, manipulated her and tried to sever our relationship numerous times, all of which she is aware of yet refuses to accept. She does not believe me about the past abuse, and my current husband actually takes up for my ex now and then. I am dumbfounded as to why this is still happening. You would think I am a compulsive liar whose been caught in lies numerous times but that is not the case. I am an honest, law abiding person. I don't understand why I am surrounded by loved ones who refuse to believe I have been abused. It's maddening and sometimes I feel so defeated. I'm beginning to wonder if people actually love other people in a way that is protective. I'm protective of my loved ones and would lay down my life for them, so I don't understand why on earth I am not believed and supported.
ReplyDeleteI know no one has an answer, I just needed to vent in a place where I think I'll be believed.
I need some help. I left my husband after 8 yrs BC he was addicted to drugs and the last 2 yrs of our life together he became very abusive---mentally, emotionally, and then physically. There is nothing he wouldn't do. Destroy my reputation, lie to my friends and family, even like to the cops and have me arrested. I tried to leave once and I was all set to go and then my parents said I couldn't come home. After that things got much worse. Finally we lost our home due to his alcohol and drug abuse bc he couldn't maintain his job any longer. Once that happened my parents let me come home and even then it was only to keep the kids off the street. It has been 5 months and I am struggling every day. But I am trying to move forward. My parents are upset that I am still living here and think I should go back with him. But he is still drinking and I can't step back into that hell even the idea of it makes me Panick. They say things like I put myself were I am, and every relationship has two sides and I am just as much to blame for my situation as he is. It is killong me.
ReplyDeleteI am incredibly sorry you were not believed it breaks my heart when parents don't support their own children. I hope you are now safe. Please know you are worth so much more than your parents or anyone who doesn't believe you.
DeleteSarah, I hope you were able to find a way out. Peace to you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in the worst DV situation of my life, I went to the police, covered in bruises from head to toe and was told, and I quote, "You shouldn't have made him mad." It took me almost a year longer to get out and I have permanent reminders of that time thanks to a steel toe boot to the face. But I got out. And now I make it my mission to help ANYONE that needs it. Because you never know what is going on behind the scenes. And I don't ever want anyone to have to hear those words that I did. Thank you so much for what you are doing. <3 <3
ReplyDeleteA lot of people think, the best way to deal with issue of domestic abuse is more law to protect victims. But I think, the best way to resolve the problem is prevention (of course law to protect existing victim is also necessary, but that should be secondary)
ReplyDeleteIn term of prevention, I think the best thing to do, is education. This include a few things. 1. Teach women about the best strategic approach towards dating and 2. Give young girls about the correct attitude about, love, dating and marriage.
For example, we teach girls the importance of education and staying in the work force, mean, even if she become victim of abuse, by been educated and continue to stay in the work force, she have the financial capital and the education and experience to easily leave her partner, thus, even if people don't believe she is been abuse, it doesn't matter. She just leave him and then take half his money, like any divorce. (In fact, most abuse people are possessive, so, one of the first thing they do, is to try cut your access to things that make it easier to leave them e.g. your job, your friends)
Giving young girls a correct attitude towards love, marriage and dating, can also help. For example, a lot of case of domestic abuse is associate with in the west, a lot of women believe, "having an abusive man is better than having no man" It is literally CRAZY!!!! But a lot of research find women who believe this. And it is only when the abuse got so bad, they know to get out. Most of these women are brainwashed to this distorted view, since childhood. If we can correctly educated these girls, at a younger age e.g. year 8 or year 9, then, they are less likely to chose an abusive man, over been single, thus, she would less likely to become abuse victim and if she is not an abuse victim, whether people believe she is been abuse is no longer relevant, as she is not been abused in the first place.
The truth is, "People not believing a victim of abuse" when she is abused, is a heart breaking thing to see happening. But the problem is, from a strategic point of view, there are no place for been "trusting" in research and report. As a journalist, one of the first thing we are taught is always put what people say to you through intense fact checking, because while somebody might be of good intention, other people might present you with misleading information due to bad intention, in that instance, if we act trusting, it would lead to very bad result. But the truth is, as human we make mistake, we can though a gold digger that is lying about been abuse to get the money and hose to be true abuse victim and a woman that is really been abused, we might thought she is lying about it. We are not saints, we are people and people make mistake.
http://violenceauponwomen.blogspot.com/2018/06/cupids-advice-to-christian-women-about.html
Thank you so much for being such a brave woman! We shouldn't keep silence! People should know everything about domestic violence and ways of preventing it. Domestic violence is indeed one of the saddest outcomes of many relationships, both in and outside of marriage. I want to believe that one day any acts of physical violence will result in an arrest.
ReplyDelete