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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Is The Law Failing Domestic Violence Victims/Survivors



I hope that this post does not causes an uproar, but this is something that really needs to be discussed. I am not here to pass judgment on anyway, I am just simply here to state my opinion, explore a topic, and to start a discussion. There is something that has been troubling me lately and that something is the number of recent cases of children being killed under court-order supervision. I start to wonder how does that happened? Then I started to think about domestic violence and the laws in general. You see the law makers want us to uphold these laws and follow through, but they do not enforce the laws. It seems that LAW ENFORCEMENT has slowly disappeared.

This is not to say that this is the case for law or everyone, but it is the case for most. The law tells those who are experiencing domestic violence to leave and get a restraining order. The restraining order is suppose to mean that the abuser can come near them, they also tell the person who is being abused not to have any contact with the abuser. Now I understand that not everybody follows through with this, but I can make the case that one of the reasons why they don't is because they feel like it's not going to help, which in more than some cases it doesn't. It seems the law makers have put out to society that restraining or protective orders do not work because people don't follow through.

So now, society feel like that is the case for all domestic violence victims/survivors and that is not the case. What about the victims/survivors who do follow through? The ones that do EVERYTHING that the law tells them to do and they still get harmed, killed, or even their children or family members get killed. Yes, I am upset about this. Because it time for the law makers to take some accountability here. The the past few months, they have been two stories of men who have killed their kids during court ordered supervised visits and what I happened to notice was that none of the news article said anything about where the supervisor was. Why are we not talking about this?

In New Hampshire, back in august, a man by the name Muni Savyon, killed his son and then killed himself at the YWCA. You can read more about this here :http://www.wmur.com/news/nh-news/police-investigate-incident-at-manchester-ywca/-/9857858/21420662/-/hsn7iwz/-/index.html#mid=17979707.  The mother of his child had a restraining order against him( although most of the news report failed to mention this fact), he had also told her that he would either kill her and their child or himself and their child, which he did. Their son was only 9 years old, I can't imagine what either of their families is going through. What about the mother of his child though? I wonder how she feels knowing that she did everything she could to protect herself and her son. She did what the law told her to do after all the law was created "to serve and protect" right?

Now, even more recently than that, in December of 2013, just a month ago. A man by the name of
Dmitriy Kanarikov in New York through his 3 yr old off a building during a supervised visit. http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/nyc-crime/man-dies-jumping-midtown-building-3-year-old-article-1.1555670  I mean I really am starting to wonder here. I know many people have issues with coming to terms with domestic violence, they don't believe its serious, they think its a joke, or the man or woman is just stupid for dealing. But if you have never been in the situation, it would be hard for you to understand. Of course you would not understand the physical, mental, and emotional pain that  a person endures that could last a lifetime. You would understand somebody saying they love you, but constantly mistreating you. You would not understand somebody threatening you, your family, your friends, even possibly your co-workers if you leave them. Not only that, you would not understand even after you leave(like everybody says that you should), your life still being in danger, even after you have followed through with the law, because the law is not following through with you.
Now,  I am not saying all laws are bad, but I am saying there has to be something done. We all have to do our part even law makers and officials. I believe in teaching domestic violence survivors/victims how to be independent of the law. This is includes creating a safety plan, getting a circle of people you can trust, being smart about the situation, because after all it is clear that you cannot depend on the law. But you can survive without it!

I also understand that the court system wants to do what is best for the child, but who is to really decide that? Is it best for a child to be around a parent that is abusive? It is best for a child to be around a parent that is threatening harm towards the child or other parent? These are just things to think about.

So yes, this is my little rant because my heart is hurting for my fellow survivors and those that are currently going through domestic violence. There have even been many causes of domestic violence victims/survivors losing the custody of their kids to the abuser. It is easy for the abusers to appear just fine and make the victim seem like she is crazy. Abusers are very charming and intelligent. I ask that we please keep an open mind before we judge domestic violence victims/survivors, they already endure enough.



Saturday, January 18, 2014

Pro-Wrestling Personality Goldy Knows Allows Domestic Violence Survivor Mary To Shine During Interview!


Yesterday, something amazing happened. Before I continue on with that I want to again say a huge THANK YOU to all my readers, you are the reason why I continue to write. The best thing about blogging is one never really knows who is reading and what will come from it. I started this blog because I was encouraged to start blogging. The only subject that I could think of (at first) was domestic violence and I am so glad that I did it!

Anyway, back to yesterday. I received a comment on my blog from Goldy Knows. For those who do not know, Goldy knows is a pro-wrestling personality, a motivational speaker, a singer, as well as a host of other things. Goldy is really big on Charity and now has her own reality show. In the comment that Goldy left, there was link to her show and on this particular show she interviewed a domestic violence survivor named Mary.




I love to help and work with anybody who is supporting this cause, In fact, I love to help and support any cause, because you never know how it will inspire someone. I was honored not only that Goldy stumbled across my blog, but that she did this interview. What was special and unique about this interview was that Goldy and her best friend created three paintings on their own for Mary and also made her a headboard for her bed. Along with that they received donated items from some stores to also put in Mary's bed. I thought that was awesome and uplifting.

When Mary walked in her room(where the interview was being held), she was so surprised and happy. To someone else this may not seem like much, but when you have been through a traumatic experience, something like this can be everything to a person. This was a very touching interview and I love that Goldy truly allowed Mary to Shine while telling her story. There was no judgements passed or anything just simply love and understanding.  I welcome you to check out the interview people and share it with people that you know.

Thank you for watching, reading, and sharing and thank you Goldy Knows for your contribution to raising awareness for Domestic Violence.




Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Words Can Do More Than Hurt, They Can Damage

"Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" How many of you remember quoting this? I remember as a little kids learning this phrase from someone at school and then chanting it myself. How soon, do we find that this is absolutely far from the truth?

In fact, words could possibly do more damage than a stick could depending on the situation. I think how many times I have been or heard stories about people who have been scarred from some words that were said to them. Even sometimes, we hurt people with out words. I think about how many people especially when it comes to relationships have been told something disrespectful and believed it. Sometimes they believe to the point that they becomes someone else or they shut down. Being told that you are ugly, fat, too skinny, stupid, dumb, or even worst than that you really damage someone. While some people can quickly overcome hearing things like this, it takes others a long time.

If you pay attention to anyway that tells a story, you will mostly always hear them talk about the words that someone said to them, whether the words were positive or negative, it shows you that people pay a great deal of attention to what is being said to them. Why do we do that? Well, I believe it is done because it helps us pay attention to a persons actions, are there words matching their actions and vice versa. Most of the time, these hurtful words come from people that we care about and that is what makes the words damaging.

We really should be careful with out words, we never know who they can hurt and what kind of reaction they can cause in a person. I saw this picture that I will post below that really sums up everything that I have wrote here and I absolutely think it is so true.

Beatrice the Biologist is right, words do infect the mind and if you take a look back at how many times you have been affected by what someone said to you, you will see how true it is. Even in the Bible it says that "words have the power of life and death"(Proverbs 18:21). Let us choose to be careful with our words, let us give life to someone with out words even if they are doing otherwise to us. I am definitely going to work harder on this. Thank you for reading!

Monday, January 13, 2014

Trouble Doesn't Last Always

This post stems from the winter weather that some of us have been having. Here in Chicago, about a week or two ago the weather was crazy. It was snow everywhere and mostly all the schools were shut down for at least two days.

Then something happened, it started raining a lot, and then the snow was gone. Now, I know you might be thinking what was so great or intriguing about that. Well, I am glad that you asked because I am excited to share with you.

 The next day, I started thinking about how the snow storm made people feel. People were frustrated because they couldn't leave the house, people didn't want to try to shovel all of that snow, people were worried would they be safe on the road if they did leave the house, and I am sure there were all kind of thoughts running across peoples minds. It really did look a mess outside, but I couldn't help think about how in one day that rain washed all the snow away and everything that we were thinking while the snow storm was happening, was washed away as well.

That particular scenario reminded me that trouble doesn't last always. I started to think about how sometimes we get so absorbed in the things that are happening to us or around us and we forget that it is only temporary. God can change everything in just one day or even last them that. Most times, if we take our minds off the situation, it won't bother us as much.


As always, thank you for reading,

Nicole Lofton

Friday, January 10, 2014

Sometimes, You Have To Learn To Just Let Go.



Have you ever wanted something so bad and once you got it, it was nothing like what you thought it would be? Furthermore, after you figured out that it was not what you thought, you still tried to hold on to it? Well, you are not alone, because I have too. One thing that I have learned and I am still learning is that sometimes you just have to learn to let it go. You see sometimes we try to mold and fix situations and people into what we want them/it to be even when we see it is not working. The end result is that it is hurts us because either we refuse to let go or we hold on to it for too long.

Just like some relationships, we see they are not working, but we hold on. Now, some relationships are good to hold on too, because relationships take time. How much time is up for you to decide though. If you are compromising too much of yourself, it will take a toil on you. We hold on to relationships for different reasons. Sometimes we actually believe they will work, sometimes we just can't stand the fact of them not working, sometimes we are trying to fill a void of loneliness, and sometimes we just want it to work. It is possible to get lost in a relationship and also lose time that you cannot get back. I believe deep down when know we something is not going to work and the longer we hold on, the more we damage ourselves emotionally.

Now, this doesn't just happen in relationships, this happens with familyships ( yes, I made that up), friendships, and it even happens in the workplace.  Sometimes we have to distance ourselves from friends and family. I often find that people struggle more with distancing themselves from family due to the saying "blood is thicker than water", which in most cases is not true. You see because I have a different definition of blood that extends beyond family. I also have to consider my brothers and sisters in Christ,I also know that God says that will be a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Sometimes family will turn on you quicker than anybody. You can love from a distance though, while still praying for them. It doesn't mean that you and that family member cannot be close again. There is a time, a season, and a reason for everything. Elevation requires separation.





Finally, yes sometimes we hold on to our jobs/careers too long. When you get to a point where you are no longer happy, when you are being treated unfairly, when you are not making enough money to take care of your family, it could be a sign to move on. I don't mean just up and quit(although some do), you can still be on the job search while keeping your current job. Sometimes people are scared to search for other places of employment because they feel they are not qualified or it won't be the same. If that is you, I have some news for you: God qualifies those that he called and you can be assured that He has called you as well as qualified you.

Another suggestion is to discover your passion, that could make your current job easier to deal with. What do you really aspire to do? How can you do it? Why aren't you doing it? Just somethings to think about. In reality though, we(including myself), really do need to learn how to let go. Some people and things do have a time limit in ourselves, lets not let that time exceed its limit.

God bless,

Nicole Lofton




Wednesday, January 8, 2014

It's Okay To Not Have All The Answers


I just love that quote from Katrina Mayer, because it is true that we do not have all the answers. I often see many people that struggle with the choices that they have made over the course of their lives. I hear them say "if I had known this, then I would have did that" or "I knew I should have did that instead of this".

So many times we including myself, get so mad at ourselves because of the choices we have made in life. I want to encourage you to let you know that it is okay and it is okay because we do not have all the answers. If we never make mistakes, then we will not have anything to learn from. I hate to even call them mistakes because they are simply life lessons.

 I believe that everything happens for a reason and that God allows us to make some choices so that we can learn from them. It would be nice if we could just learn from what others have done, but we don't always learn like that. Sometimes we have to make a decison that does not give us the outcome that we desired, in order to learn and grow.

Unfortnately sometimes we do not take things to heart until we experience them for ourselves. Now, so what you entered a bad relationship, maybe you got pregnant out of wedlock, maybe you had an abortion, maybe you had more kids that you expected, maybe you got married and got a divorced, maybe you didn't finish school, maybe you are unemployed, whatever happened in your past it is okay. Some of our best experiences in life come when we didn't have the answer because it gave you the opportunity to learn something new.

So what do you when you don't have all the answers? Well, I do not have the answer to that, I can only tell you what I do or would I would do and maybe that could help. I have learned to pray when I do not have all the answers, because I know that God has all the answers and He will never lead me astray. The key thing hear though is that we have to be open to recieving the answer from Him, knowing that it may be what we expected. If you are not someone who prays then I would say take your time before making a decision, really think it out, but do no overthink it.

Also, do not make a decision based off of emotion, that it one of the worst things that we can do. When we make decisions off of emotions, it can lead to regret, because at that point and time we were only making a decision off of how we felt at that particular moment. When making a decision we have to try to see the whole picture and think how will this decision affect me or those around me in the long run? I pray that you enjoy this post.

Obtaining True Happiness


Today, decided to post a video, that I did a couple of months ago. This video is about obtaining true happiness. Although, I cannot tell anyone how to truly obtain it, I can give my view on it. When I say true happiness, I mean being happy inspite of circumstances. I mean being happy even when you do not want to be or feel that you cannot be. How do you obtain your happiness? I would love to hear from you. I hope you enjoy the video.

                                         Nicole Lofton