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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Athletes and Domestic Violence: Why I started with the NFL first


Many of you might remember me writing a post about why I started the NFL Domestic Violence petition. Well, this time I am going to talk about athletes and domestic violence and eventually will elaborate again on why I chose to start with the NFL. Notice that I said start with, so that means I am open to petition other sports organizations but I chose to start with the NFL.

Now, the NFL is the number ONE sport in the United States and ranks number 10 in the world. Now that is huge. There are so many people who enjoy and love the sport of football. Now, yes every sport has players that have been involved in domestic violence incidents. In recent news, we have heard about soccer player Hope Solo and her husband Jerramy Stevens (Former NFL Player), we have heard about Dez Bryant and Chad Johnson( Formally known as Ocho Cinco) but I cannot help but to point out the fact that majority of the time when you hear about domestic violence as it pertains to athletes, it comes more from NFL players.

So, I began to wonder, does that mean that the more violent the sport, the more violent the player? I would hate to think that but that is what it seems like. For instance, we have even seen a lot of Boxers in the news for domestic violence such as Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson, Floyd "Money" Mayweather. Boxing and Football are obviously more violent than let's say soccer, basketball, baseball, or golf. I would even say that at times Boxing and Football are a little more violent than Hockey.

What bothers me the most about all of this is that the management of these sports organizations and/or the coaches of the players. For instance, when Floyd Mayweather went to jail for domestic violence, here is what the owner of the World Boxing Association(WBA) had to say and I quote "Beating a lady is highly critical, [but] it is not a major sin or crime". Of course, he then recanted his statement and apologized but still to read that was hurtful. I don't know how long people will continue to overlook domestic violence.

I chose to start with the NFL because as I mentioned it is the number one sport in the US and Just overall popular throughout the world. The NFL opens a door that domestic violence awareness hasn't had yet. This is not a competiton of what cause to support this is just simply stating that all causes should be supported especially if majority of an organizations players are adding on the problem(The NFL). I see this as a major problem and The NFL continues to look past it.

A Couple of days ago, we had an NFL player (Jovan Belcher) kill his girlfriend (Kasandra Perkins) and then killed himself leaving their 3 month old daughter to not have any parents. This is very serious. The NFL chose to do a moment of silent for domestic violence victims which is great but what is more troubling is that they fail to mentioned Jovan or His girlfriends name. So here again the NFL is covering up domestic violence and this sends the message that it is over to cover up it. It sends a message that says we will acknowledge it a little bit but we not acknowledge that it is not only a MAJOR problem but A serious one.

We should not be oblivious to fact that this is just not the first time an incident has happened involving an NFL player. Who remembers former NFL player Chris Henry? He was involved in a domestic violence dispute and he died. So what do we do? For all the people who are saying that I/We are attacking the NFL or drawing to much attention to the NFL, that is not so. We are drawing attention to DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS and we are asking the NFL to acknowledge that domestic violence is an issue within their organization and we are asking for their help in raising awareness.

Now of course wearing purple won't solve EVERYTHING but it will help, it will solve SOMETHING. One thing that it will do is get domestic violence awareness to  a NATIONAL level something that has NOT happened yet. Does the NFL need more programs that educate on the issue of domestic violence? Of course they do, we all do.

I am a life coach and when I coach my goal is to help others reach their goal, I am to help them move forward by helping them acknowledge and work on the things that are holding them back, its different from counseling in some ways. So although, I am not a football coach, I still think that as a coach you have to pay attention to your players. Coaches have to communicate with their players, it is important that players be healthy in every way not just physically. It was said that the Chiefs coach gave counseling to the couple but sometimes even that is not enough. Sometimes we have to reach out to others it takes a big village something thats why awareness is needed. Its important to share out testimonies if we have them, to let people know that they are not alone in what they are going through. Now, After the death of Jovan and Kasandra, the Kansas City Chiefs continued on with their game, the coach said well it helps us take our minds off of the tragedy that happened, while that could be true, we should closely examine that.

Many people feel like what that the Chiefs did was wrong and that it showed a lack of respect for the lost that the two families had just experienced. I won't really speak on right or wrong as it pertains to that but I will say this. What the coach said explains a lot of the problem in the first place. Do we just continue on with our lives without FACING our problems. How many of us go through our every day life doing something to cover up our problems until they eventually weigh us down and we go into depression and a whole host of other things? I have been guilty of that. It makes me wonder how many players in ALL the pro-sports organizations or just in sports organizations period are going through serious issues but instead use the sport as a way to get through it. Though that may help temporarily, it is not going to help in the long-term and it is constantly being proven.

The reason I named my organization F.A.C.E. I.T. was because I wanted to help people face their issues and not only that I wanted to raise awareness so that people in communities would not be afraid to stand up for issues in their communities even if it were not them that were facing the particular issues. We have to stand together in order to make things happen. We are so divided. We argue over who domestic violence happens to more which is one of my pet peeves because the fact is that IT HAPPENS AND IT CAN AND DOES HAPPEN TO ANYONE. Thats the issue, it happens and it shouldn't but we will stay divided as long as we keep nitpicking at somethings instead of acknowledging that it happens to everyone and move forward on how we can work together to stop it.

Now people are saying, we don't know that facts so how do we know that this was a case of domestic violence. Well, for starters, he killed his girlfriend, that is domestic violence right there! He did not kill himself right after he killed her. He drove to wear they practice and then he killed himself. He killed himself, that shows that he obviously had some issues that he was dealing with and that he couldn't take the fact that he just killed his girlfriend. He was not about to face the problem, for people to question whether this was this domestic violence is interesting. That's almost to say that it is okay and normal for us to just kill our significant others or spouses and it is NOT.

People say well we don't know him and he was said to be a good father, I would never say that he wasn't a good father, he probably was but guess what? Now his daughter does not even have a father or a mother? Was he selfish to kill himself? Yes, he was but guess what? He had issues he was dealing with and did not address them. Sometimes we think that we don't need help, we feel like a coward for asking for help. This man needed help and his girlfriend may she Rest in Peace, probably needed it too because I am sure this wasn't the first time they had a fight only this time, it resulted in the lost of two lives.

Let us be clear about the issue of domestic violence and stand on it. We can no longer sugarcoat or ignore domestic violence, we have to take a stand. My/Our petition to the NFL is bigger than seeing purple on players, its about bring awareness to domestic violence, its about acknowledging that domestic violence exists. This petition has brought people together, this petition has give the domestic violence awareness community hope. It has brought about peace, people have shared there stories on the petition, in a way it is an outlet for them, they feel like their voice is being heard and IT IS! Please hear and listen to our voice and support the petition.

God Bless you all,

Nicole C. Lofton

Friday, November 30, 2012

Women's T-Shirt Giveaway

So here it is, my first giveaway! I decided to do something fun since Im always so serious. I decided to do a t-shirt giveaway for domestic violence survivors. Why t-shirts? Not only because I personally designed them(lol) but because I love t-shirts and I feel like they are a great way of expression and encouragement. So if you happened to see one that you like enter the giveaway! You might win! I do have more t-shirts so I may do more giveaways at a later date. I have picture below 4 different tee's right now. After you reach the end of the t-shirts, then you will how to enter the giveaway! So Good-God( I don't like to say good luck). If you have any comments you can comment on this blog post or email me at info@faceitoday.org

Have a great day, Nicole Lofton







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Monday, November 19, 2012

What we can learn from Hope Solo and her now Husband Jerramy Stevens

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

 In recent news, there is a story that is being reported that has left a lot of people wondering and nobody seems to have answers but maybe there are some answers. American Soccer player and Olympic Gold Medalist Hope Solo were reported to have been in a domestic dispute a couple of days ago. Although, Hope chose not to speak on it or even press charges, the police still arrested her then fiancĂ© Jerramy Stevens( A Former NFL player). The incident was said to happen at a party and the police felt like they had enough reason/evidence to arrest Mr. Stevens.

What happened after that though, is what now has a lot of people wondering. It was said that Hope Solo refused to talk to the police and warned nobody else to talk to them as well-Let me be the first to say this is a sign that Hope is probably in an abusive relationship. See when it comes to domestic violence, the answers are not always clear but when one educates themselves on the subject, then the answers become a little clearer.

We know that people going through domestic violence are often scared or forced to not tell anyone about what is going on. It is common for those going through domestic violence to feel like they are in love and want to protect the image of their partner no matter what, is this what Hope is doing? I do not know. I am just simply pointing out details of the story that are accurate descriptions of signs of domestic violence.

Moving forward, we find that the next morning Mr. Jerramy Stevens was let out of Jail due to enough evidence, which is not surprising because this is also common in domestic violence cases. We also hear that shortly after that Hope Solo and Jerramy Stevens got married, is that surprising? Nope not surprising either but to a lot of people it does come as a surprise. People are now wondering why she did not talk to the police and why did she rush to marry him so sudden. These are questions that should be raised but may not receive an answer.

Rushing into a relationship/marriage(They had only been dating for two months) is also a sign of domestic violence. You see Hope didn't press charges and now she is married so to her she may think everything is okay. She may think that she has solved her problems. This is something that happens often, in an abusive relationships, marriage is not the answer, it will not solve the problem.  Covering up the abusive will not solve it either, it will only make it worst.

I feel for Hope because I have been there. I have been there trying to protect the image of someone who did not care to protect my image when he chose to verbally abuse me, threaten me , and control me. This story means a lot to me because I am a survivor of domestic violence and I also have the NFL domestic violence petition going around but I will say that for later.

If you are facing a situation similar to Hope's, you know someone that is, or you even THINK you may know someone is please understand that it is not okay. it is just never okay for a person to put their hands on you, mistreat you, or control you. It is okay to reach out to someone. Know that you are not alone, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you do not feel like  you can talk to someone close to you. If you know someone that is going through domestic violence my advice would be to research as much as you can about domestic violence, learn the signs, read on how to approach the situation and most importantly be non judgmental and be understanding.

Hope Solo and Jerramy Stevens situation is not unusual, it is very common that is what we can learn from it. It happens every day, more than one a day. In order to understand domestic violence and the seriousness of it, the cycle of domestic violence has to be understood. My prayers are both with Hope Solo and Jerramy Stevens. Love is not abuse.

Feel free to leave a comment, as a discussion regarding domestic violence is very much needed and helpful.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Emotional Effects of Domestic Violence(Survey)

One of my favorite sayings and one that I came up with myself is "As advocates we should seek to understand more than we seek to be understood".  As a new and aspiring advocate I do not want to assume or come off as thinking that I know everything there is to know about domestic violence or any other causes for that matter.

 I see statistics all the time, but I am not really big on statistics. I am big on testimonies and learning about other peoples struggle and how they overcame. Because of that, I have created a survey in order to understand better the emotional affects of domestic violence. I would like to hear from you, if you would like to share. Let it be known that I do not want to turn this into statistics that is not what this is about, I just want to hear from people who have actually been through it.

 I have been through it myself, but in the process of wanting to help others, I also want to understand them. I realize that every situation is different and handling differently. I would like to ask you if you would take out the time to complete my survey. You do not have to give your name or tell me where you live. This probably will be the first of many surveys but it is a start. I would like to take out the time to thank all my readers, all my subscribers, everyone who has signed the NFL domestic violence petition, everyone who has shared my blog, I thank all advocates, survivors, and victims for staying strong and I pray that you continue to do so. I thank you in advance for taking my survey, God bless you all.


Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world's leading questionnaire tool.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Prayer Is The Key: Join us in praying for those in crisis



As advocates, survivors, people of faith, or just people who want change period, there is only so much that we can do but we cannot do it alone. Prayer is the key because faith without work is dead and vice versa. We have to intercede for those are going through a crisis. As we know this month (October) is National Breast Cancer, Bullying, and Awareness month, I would like to ask you all to join me in prayer every night this month at 9pm CT or whenever you can but preferably at night.

Why at night?

I believe that at night, as we wind down and have time to think, that is when our thoughts most consume us. Night Time is also the most loneliest and scariest for some. Let us be intercessors not only this month but period. I created this event on Evite ( Prayer for Those in Crisis) feel free to let us know if you will be joining us in prayer.

God Bless you all,

Nicole Lofton (@NicoleCherese) on Twitter
Founder of F.A.C.E. I.T. (@faceitorg) on Twitter

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Last Time You Cry


In Honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I wanted to take the time out as a survivor to give back to those who still may be going through a domestic abuse situation or just an unhealthy relationship or situation period. While I do not have money to give, etc one thing I do have is faith, prayer, and HOPE. Because it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I wanted to speak to the victims of Domestic Violence. Some times this is the hardest to do, but it is time for us as survivors and advocates to really speak from our hearts to the victims hearts. We don't need to be judgmental because we need to come from that place of understanding, if fact, we do come from that place of understanding because we KNOW and UNDERSTAND what they have went through because WE went through it too. We must not forget, we have to remember how we felt when we were going through it in order to TRY to understand what they are feeling, in order to try to understand why they haven't left yet, in order to try to understand why they are silent.

 I started my journey as an advocate in 2011 shortly after I left my own situation and I am still becoming an advocate, it is a journey, it is one that I am realizing that God is calling me too and has called me too. Lately, my heart has been for the victims, I want to give you all hope. Sometimes the internet is good to use to reach victims because the internet is world wide and many people read even if they do not comment. Last year, I saw a video by a artist named Pure..the video was for his song entitled "Last Time You Cry", it was a song about Domestic Violence, one that touched me deeply. One that truly portrayed a Domestic Violence relationship and its ups and downs, twists and turns. Today I wanted to take out the time to say to those who are in a domestic violence situation that after you read this, I HOPE and PRAY that this WILL be THE LAST TIME YOU CRY.

I know I have said many times in my post that you don't deserve to be treated badly, you don't deserve to be hurt, you don't deserve to be threatened, beaten, feeling insecure or neglected and your children do not deserve it either. BUT I also understand that you have to believe those things within and this takes time. I understand that because as I mention previously I come from a place of understanding. God said that we are FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made and right now you are probably not feeling wonderful because you are living in fear. God also said that there is NO FEAR in LOVE because perfect love(God's love) drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (1 John 4:18). Now how does this relate to someone in an abusive relationship? Does it mean that you, the victim, is not made perfect in love? More than likely it probably means that your abuser is not made perfect in love...You see fear has to do with punishment..you live in fear because your abuser threatens you, doesn't want you to have a life, makes you feel unpretty, when you do not conform to his ideals or do what he wants, he tries to PUNISH you but doing all those things listen above.

 Listen, and I pray that this really does speak to someone..God will never want to see you hurt, he wouldn't want you to be with someone that makes you feel like you are worthless, that makes you feel like you should have never been born, that is NOT love, that is simply CONTROL. You deserve so much better. I pray that God gives you the strength to walk away and that you receive it so that you can be FREE and discover the wonderful beautiful/handsome woman/man of God that you truly are. So that you can be FREE and discover your true purpose in life, so that you can be FREE and experience TRUE LOVE, HAPPINESS, AND JOY that comes from God. So that you can be FREE and NOT have to live in silence. So that you can be able to be the best parent that you can be to your children, so that one day you could be the best husband/wife to the REAL man or woman that God has for you. The man/woman that God has for you will compliment you, not beat you or try to destroy you. That is not who God has for you, wants for you, nor do you deserve it.

 Yes I pray that today is the LAST TIME THAT YOU CRY, I will post the video at the end of this post. I pray that you reach out to God today that you ask him to help you escape, that you ask him to help you love yourself and forgive yourself and even eventually forgive your abuser. I pray that God sends his angels concerning and that they surround you and encamp you until you gain the strength to leave, I pray that even after you leave, God's angels continue to be with you. I pray that you let all your hurt and pain our today, that you may experience that true happiness and peace that you deserve, That you may see and know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I decree and declare that NO weapon formed against you, your family, or your friends shall prosper and that any tongue that comes up against you, your family, or your friends will be condemned. I pray all these things in Jesus Name Amen. If you have a testimony that you would like to share or if you have a personal question or prayer request you can email me at facingittoday@gmail.com or visit my site at http://www.faceittoday,weebly.com


Thursday, September 13, 2012

NFL Domestic Violence Petition




Many of you may have or may not have noticed a petition going around that says something like "Let's get the NFL to wear purple in honor of Domestic Violence" I would like to take some time out to explain a little more about the petition. As some of you may know my name is Nicole Lofton and I am the founder of Faithful Deeds Foundation I am also the creator of the NFL Domestic Violence petition.

I realize that there as been some talk about whether this petition was the right thing to do, some people say that I am leaving out all the other sports league that may have players that have been involved in Domestic Violence incidents, some say that the NFL is not important when it comes to Domestic Violence, some say that my argument is not valid and well some say that it is simply just a waste of time. 

Well, today I am here to address and respond to those concerns. You see first and foremost, I would like to make the statement that this petition is NOT and repeat NOT an attack on the NFL. I actually love the football, which leads me to my second point. It was my PERSONAL choice and I have that choice to petition the NFL first, yes I could have started with another league or I could have even petitioned ALL of them at the SAME time but that is not what I wanted to do. I petitioned the NFL not only because they have players in their league that have had Domestic Violence cases(which is very important to note) but because I feel like the NFL could play a major role in bringing and raising awareness of Domestic Violence on a NATIONAL level(which Domestic Violence really deserves). 

The NFL wears pink for Breast Cancer awareness which is there personal choice and I respect that because I care about Breast Cancer awareness as well, in fact I have family members who are breast cancer survivors. So I support that wholeheartedly but the truth is that Domestic Violence Awareness and Breast Cancer Awareness as well as Bully Awareness(which does not get as much attention either) are all in the same month, so my question is why not raise awareness for them all? Domestic Violence is overshadowed constantly and it is time for it to come to the forefront because Breast Cancer is not the only thing that kills, Domestic Violence does too. 

The NFL employs players who have been charged in Domestic Violence cases, I am not saying that the NFL does not educate their players on Domestic Violence but what I am saying is that there needs to be more. I am looking at the BIGGER picture, I am looking towards the FUTURE. May I share the bigger picture that I see with you all? Thanks in advance, The bigger picture that I see is this:

Imagine NFL players wearing purple in honor of Domestic Violence, do you know how many people watch the NFL games?? BILLIONS of people watch those games. So imagine this with me, imagine how it can have an impact on EVERYONE. People who are watching will be wondering why do they have on purple? They know about pink already but why purple? Imagine what this would do for the players, now they are actually WEARING PURPLE and it has a meaning, they know they meaning now they are REPRESENTING Domestic Violence Awareness as they play, this can really make them think..then you will probably hear statistics and stories, people may start researching, etc it will SPREAD AWARENESS! Education is important as well, its important to know how Domestic Violence affects everyone so YES, YES I am calling on the NFL to take a stand not only with me, but to the 585 people that have signed this petition already!!! In 2011-2012 I am proud to say I have been seeing more people take a stand for Domestic Violence, than in previous years. 

I am asking all the readers and the NFL to take a stand with us and for us! Take a stand that says no matter what, Domestic Violence will not be tolerated! Take a stand on education for Domestic Violence! Take a stand for those who are being abused right now and feel like they cannot get out, take a stand for those who have died due to domestic violence, last but not least take a stand for the SURVIVORS who are brave enough to take a stand! If you all would take a look at the petition, you will see people have shared their stories about what they have decided to sign the petition, they have shared the stories about their own personal experiences. 

This is not about money, I am not asking anyone or the NFL for any money. I am just simply asking for help to raise awareness, I am just asking the NFL to wear purple for Domestic Violence Awareness just like they have worn Pink for Breast Cancer Awareness, that is all. Take a stand with us please. I am a survivor of Domestic Violence myself, I know how it is to be controlled, to be ridiculed, embarrassed, to lose yourself, to not feel love, to be hopeless, to not know if you are going to live, to be scared. I know what it feels like but I also know how to feels to be FREE! TO Escape a unhealthy relationship, to love myself again, to understand who I am, to follow my dreams, to learn to love someone else, to know that I am not who my abuser or others said I was and I want to give that same hope and message to the people who are experiencing Domestic Violence RIGHT now. We can do that by spreading awareness and being transparent but we have to work together. 

So I humbly ask that you please share this and that you at least consider signing the petition. I do want to humbly thank EVERYBODY that has signed, that has shared on all the social networks. I also want to thank the organization "Real Men Don't Abuse Anymore!" for all they have done for this petition as well. Thank you to people all over the world who are signing from Australia, Canada, New Zealand, etc. I see all of it and I empowered my all the stories, I shed tears every time I see a story on the petition. Domestic Violence happens to men and women! This is OUR petition! Lets take a stand! We have to start somewhere and I have chosen to start with the NFL, it we can accomplish this then we can take actions towards others things. God Bless you all. 

Sign the petition here:

Sunday, August 26, 2012

When People Don't Believe You




Have you ever been going through something that you held in for a long time, but once you finally told somebody about it, they did not believe you? If you have experienced this, then you can relate to what a lot of people that have experienced domestic violence have gone through. Many times it is hard for a person that has experienced domestic violence to reach out to someone. Most times people won't believe them. The most common reason that people say they do not believe a person is because they did not speak out about it before hand.

Here is a scenario: Let's say that there is a woman who is in a abusive relationship with her husband. Lets say that he emotionally, financially, and physically abuses her everyday. The woman has drifted off and does not associate with her family and friends as much as she use to because of the abuse. Her friends and family say that she is acting funny because she is married. They have no idea what she is going through and when she does bring her husband around they seem like the perfect couple. He is helping her with everything, he is always smiling and she is smiling(but still not talking much). All her family and friends love him. She does not want her family and friends to think anything bad about him so she continues to keep quiet. Of course, she believes that her husband truly loves her because he tells her that. Finally, one day she decides to tell her parents what is going on and their response is "oh he couldn't possibly do something like that , he is such a great man for you. Why would you say such things about him?" So she reaches out to her friends and they tell her "Oh you are just overreacting, all relationships and marriages have their share of troubles". So now she shuts down again because nobody believes her and she starts to believe that maybe she is overreacting.

LETS TAKE A BREAK FROM THE SCENARIO FOR A SECOND: If this scenario is starting to seem similar to yours PLEASE know that you are NOT overreacting all relationships and marriages have their share of troubles, but ABUSE of any form whether it be emotionally, mentally, financial, physical, or spiritual is NOT acceptable. A man or woman who loves you will respect you and love you as they love themselves. They will know how to sit down and talk and control their anger without hurting you with words or actions.

BACK TO THE SCENARIO: So about an month after reaching out to family and friends, the family and friends receive a phone call stating that the young lady is in the hospital. So every one rushes to the hospital and once they arrive, they see that she has been severely beaten and they wonder who could have done this to her? When they find out that it was the husband they start to feel bad and they still wonder how that could have happened.

CONCLUSION: By the grace of God, the woman in this scenario survived as this is a fictional story, but in real life it could have been different, this woman could have died from the abuse that she suffered . When people reach out to you about serious situations like this it is important to try to understand them and help them. You have to do away with your own feelings about the situation. Don't discount a persons story because of their past, because they did not speak out it when it first happened, or because they don't look like anything is happening to them. You have a chance to help someone get their life back on track or even save their life. PLEASE LISTEN when someone comes to you and find out how you can help them.

A MESSAGE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE OR HAVE EXPERIENCED DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:

When people do not listen to you, keep on moving. If you know you are in an abusive situation, reach out to a shelter, find some advocates online if offline won't help you. Find some survivors, pray, make a plan to get out and follow through with that plan. People won't always believe you but your life is worth way more than what people think and regardless of what you have been told or what you are feeling at this moment, YOU DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR LIFE IS PRECIOUS AND GOD WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE UNHAPPY AND MISERABLE. YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND FILLED WITH JOY. YOU DESERVE A PARTNER WHO IS GOING TO BE THERE FOR YOU, SUPPORT YOU, HELP YOU, ENCOURAGE YOU AND LOVE YOU.

If you have any questions please email Nicole at nicole@faithfuldeedsfoundation.org or visit the website www.gardenofpurpose.com or www.faithfulfeedsfoundation.org

Friday, August 17, 2012

Understanding the cycle of an abuser: The key to escaping

It has been a while since I wrote a blog post, but this one will definitely be a very sensitive and serious one. I realize that there are many people in domestic violence situations that actually do want to get out (contrary to popular belief), but that just don't know how or feel like they do not have any support. If you are one of those people who feel like you do not have any support, I want to first let you know that you will ALWAYS have God. God can and will rescue you from ANY situation.

We often hear about the cycle of abuse, that is one thing that is talked about more now than ever, but what we rarely hear about is the cycle of the abuser. Now, some may say that the cycle of the abuser is similar or the same to the cycle of abuse, but that is not so(at least I don't think so ). I think there are two important keys to being able to leave an unhealthy or abusive relationship, one is to learn and know the cycle of an abuser and the second is to have a plan.

Let's talk about the cycle of an abuser. What is meant by learning the cycle of an abuser? In order to learn the cycle of an abuser one has to pay attention to what makes the abuser mad(keep it mind that abuse happens to men and women). What makes him/her mad, frustrated, sad, what happens before they hurt you? What times are they more likely to hurt you? For most survivors it was that one moment when they told themselves that their abuser would never hurt them again, but then once he/she did the person that was being abused left. See because it was something that made the survivor say look I have to get out of this situation. I believe it is when the survivors learn their abusers cycle and come to realize that it is just that a cycle and that their abuser is not changing, that the survivor decides to leave.

See, when one learns their abusers cycle, one begins to realize that their abuser is not changing. The most important reason why one should learn their abusers cycle is because then one will be able to tell if they are changing and if they are being truthful. Abusers ALWAYS say that they will not hurt you again, they ALWAYS cry and say how much they love you, they almost always say they hurt you because they love you and we know that this is not true. Abusers will may slow down for a minute just to make you think that they won't do it again, that is why it is important to learn the cycle.

Another important reason to learn an abusers cycle is because believe it or not they are learning and studying you. They already know what makes you mad, sad, frustrated, happy, etc they know and they feed off that! Thats how it works and the MOST important reason to learn an abusers cycle is because your LIFE depends on it. Sometimes we just have to outsmart them. If you are looking to leave your unhealthy relationship start learning your abusers cycle. Do they get mad when you do not do something the way they want it? Do they get mad when you wear certain things? Do they get mad when you talk to certain people? Pay attention to what makes them mad. Most times when you are in a unhealthy relationship it is hard to see why in fact your abuser is mad because it probably seems like they are always mad. Learning your abusers cycle will really help because it will help you be more cautious as to when something is going to happen. Pay attention to when your abuser is happy. What makes them happy? Pay attention because this will help you read between the lies that he or she  may be telling.

Now, how does learning the cycle really tie into leaving? Well, it helps you emotionally. Once you see that your abuser is not changing and you see that the cycle of abuse is continuing. You will start to see that you deserve better and you will want better. It will also help you with your plan. Everybody will have a different plan so I cannot speak on that too specifically, but I will say if you do plan on leaving, leave when he or she is not around! Learning their cycle will help you with this. When is he or she gone for the longest? Is it when they are at work? Do they work out? Do they go to bars? Do they have friends? What are your abusers interest? This will help! I pray that this helps someone I really do. God put this on my heart and I will always follow him. God is longing to help those who are dealing with abuse. Also, please reach and tell someone if you are in an abusive relationship, sometimes it helps when someone knows and is willing to help you. if you need to talk or want to share a testimony you can visit Faithful Deeds Foundation or email me at nicole@faithfuldeedsfoundation.org

I would like to end this post with a prayer for those who are wanting to leave an unhealthy relationship.
Father God, Lord Jesus I came to you tonight interceding for those who are in an unhealthy relationship and that want to be freed from it. I pray Lord that you send your angels concerning them to lead them, guide them, cover them, direct them and love them. I pray Lord that you heal them emotionally, physically, and mentally in Jesus Name. I also pray Lord that you help them to know how much you love them and to know that someone who Loves them would not hurt them purposefully. I pray Lord that you give them the strength to leave their unhealthy relationship, I pray Lord that you remove any hindrances or anything blocking them from leaving or anything blocking the blesses that you have for them. I decree and declare that all who read this shall live and not die because that is not in your plan for their life. I pray Lord that you send people in their lives who will be understanding and willing them to help them. I pray that you protect them from those in their lives with misunderstanding of their situation or that will be judgmental towards them. I pray that you protect them, their children, friends and families and that you keep your angels close to them whenever they go including their workplace. I pray all these things in your name Jesus, In Jesus Name, Amen.

God Bless You All.

Monday, February 13, 2012

From one survivor to another: Dear Whitney Houston, I will always love you



Some may be wondering why this particular post is under my domestic violence blog and not one of my other ones, it is because I have to stay true not only to myself but to my readers. We all know that Whitney was a SURVIVOR of domestic violence. I can remember as a child, sitting in my room listening to Whitney and trying to belt out beautiful notes like she did. I remember seeing Whitney would perform on TV, or seeing her acting in movies(the body guard, the preachers wife, waiting to exhale). I remember watching waiting to exhale with my mom and I said to myself Oh I don't need a man, that movie gave me strength to look to the future to know the difference between a good man and a not so good one.



Little did I know that one day I would find myself 'needing" or "depending" on a man. Sometimes when we don't feel loved we run to other outlets that may not be the best ones. For some it may be the wrong crowd, for some it maybe experimenting with something harmful and for most it is bad relationships that of course are not bad at first. As I watched Whitney Houston go through what she went through in her marriage and the media not giving her any slack, I would think to myself that is sad but she is a strong woman. At the time I probably was too young to realize what all of that was but now as I grow older, I realize me and Whitney had something in common which was domestic violence. Not only that we have more in common our strength and faith and God and our God given talents that we are able to use as outlets.


Whitney used her gift of song as a outlet and I must say a powerful outlet it was. She touched many hearts and I'm sure God used her to help heal many hearts as well. Through Whitney's music we learned about Love, friendship, joy and pain. We learned that God is a healer and a provider, He will always make a way. Becoming a domestic violence advocate has helped me grow, it has helped me let go, it has allowed me freedom to be me and helped me to encourage others to be free to be them. I have always had a passion for singing but never felt good enough but one day God have me a song and I wrote it and started recorded it..it turned out to be about domestic violence and of course it was not what i wanted to sing about but it was what God wanted. See we have God given talents to be used for His glory meaning it allows us to release and therefore share a testimony to help someone else release and know that they are not on. There are countless others that had the gift of song that are in fact domestic violence survivors and they have blessed me but today I chose to focus on Whitney.


I would like to encourage someone today: Whatever your POSITIVE outlet is, use it!!!! God have it to you for a reason, You do NOT and I repeat do NOT have to suffer in silence! Be silent no more, whatever you God given gift is writing, dance, drawing, singing, music, painting, etc. Whatever it may be do it! Obviously one of mines is writing and I use it to glorify God and to help others, I pray that you all are encouraged to keep moving forward no matter how hard things seems, God can and will make a way out of NO WAY! To Whitney I say thank you for being strong, thank you for singing songs that helped build me and others up, your legacy will always live long and on. Dear Whitney Houston, I will always love you, REST IN PEACE!


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Do You know DV? A Poem about Domestic Violence



Do you know DV? 

Do you see them as they lurk into people’s lives?
Seeking to destroy others because they cannot deal with themselves. 

Do you see DV just as charming as can be, hey how are you doing? Dv says to me. 

I smile and say I'm fine not knowing that this is just the beginning of something that I will soon hope to be ending. 

Oh we had such a good time, we went out a date, 
we stayed out late, reminded me of love at first site. 

What a good person DV is to me. 

Eventually I start to noticed that things have changed, 
DV doesn't look at me at the same. 

Is it something that I did? 

This is starting to get frightening because he turns to anger just as quick as a flash of lightening 
BUT I must be tripping because this is not how I'm living. 

Me and DV we love each other, we made a pact that we would not have no other. 
Just me and DV but it then it starts to get to the point where I cant even watch tv. 

Nothing that I do is right now all DV wants to do is fuss and fight. 
So we are up all night and I'm crying myself to sleep because this just ain't right. 

Nobody ever told me about a love such as this,I would do anything to get myself out of this. 
I realize that this is not healthy, I dont' know what it is but this just cannot be. 

So when DV leaves out for work i start to google fighting in an relationship 
AND then I see abuse. 

So I start to read about abuse then I see something that says DV 
AND Im like hmmm those initials look all too familiar to me. 

So I clicked it on it and then there it was. 
Finally I discovered what I was going through DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! 

I wonder how many countless others are going through what I'm going through. 

Man DOMESTIC VIOLENCE the silent killer but we scream loudly and nobody hears us. Then when we finally open up about it nobody believe us, 

Yep they even judge us saying how could we be so stupid to let someone else have so much control over us 
BUT instead of saying to hell with them, I just say to God be the glory, you don't know my story. 

You don't know that my pain had a greater purpose 
AND with time God brought me out of that mess and I'm not a shamed, 
I am God's princess and He is my father the king. He is the ruler of all things. 

So think before you judge. 
Much respect, much love to all the Domestic Violence Survivors and the victims trying to overcome. 

There is hope for you from the one above. 
Don't be afraid to reach out because Gods angels are right there to grab your hand. 

Just remember it was all in God's plan not for you to hurt but for you to be strong, 
For you to know that you are not alone. 
For you to be a voice for the ones who feel like they are on their own.

You see God will use us to be help to somebody else 
Because nobody can make it out here alone, we all need help.