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Sunday, August 26, 2012

When People Don't Believe You




Have you ever been going through something that you held in for a long time, but once you finally told somebody about it, they did not believe you? If you have experienced this, then you can relate to what a lot of people that have experienced domestic violence have gone through. Many times it is hard for a person that has experienced domestic violence to reach out to someone. Most times people won't believe them. The most common reason that people say they do not believe a person is because they did not speak out about it before hand.

Here is a scenario: Let's say that there is a woman who is in a abusive relationship with her husband. Lets say that he emotionally, financially, and physically abuses her everyday. The woman has drifted off and does not associate with her family and friends as much as she use to because of the abuse. Her friends and family say that she is acting funny because she is married. They have no idea what she is going through and when she does bring her husband around they seem like the perfect couple. He is helping her with everything, he is always smiling and she is smiling(but still not talking much). All her family and friends love him. She does not want her family and friends to think anything bad about him so she continues to keep quiet. Of course, she believes that her husband truly loves her because he tells her that. Finally, one day she decides to tell her parents what is going on and their response is "oh he couldn't possibly do something like that , he is such a great man for you. Why would you say such things about him?" So she reaches out to her friends and they tell her "Oh you are just overreacting, all relationships and marriages have their share of troubles". So now she shuts down again because nobody believes her and she starts to believe that maybe she is overreacting.

LETS TAKE A BREAK FROM THE SCENARIO FOR A SECOND: If this scenario is starting to seem similar to yours PLEASE know that you are NOT overreacting all relationships and marriages have their share of troubles, but ABUSE of any form whether it be emotionally, mentally, financial, physical, or spiritual is NOT acceptable. A man or woman who loves you will respect you and love you as they love themselves. They will know how to sit down and talk and control their anger without hurting you with words or actions.

BACK TO THE SCENARIO: So about an month after reaching out to family and friends, the family and friends receive a phone call stating that the young lady is in the hospital. So every one rushes to the hospital and once they arrive, they see that she has been severely beaten and they wonder who could have done this to her? When they find out that it was the husband they start to feel bad and they still wonder how that could have happened.

CONCLUSION: By the grace of God, the woman in this scenario survived as this is a fictional story, but in real life it could have been different, this woman could have died from the abuse that she suffered . When people reach out to you about serious situations like this it is important to try to understand them and help them. You have to do away with your own feelings about the situation. Don't discount a persons story because of their past, because they did not speak out it when it first happened, or because they don't look like anything is happening to them. You have a chance to help someone get their life back on track or even save their life. PLEASE LISTEN when someone comes to you and find out how you can help them.

A MESSAGE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE OR HAVE EXPERIENCED DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:

When people do not listen to you, keep on moving. If you know you are in an abusive situation, reach out to a shelter, find some advocates online if offline won't help you. Find some survivors, pray, make a plan to get out and follow through with that plan. People won't always believe you but your life is worth way more than what people think and regardless of what you have been told or what you are feeling at this moment, YOU DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR LIFE IS PRECIOUS AND GOD WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE UNHAPPY AND MISERABLE. YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND FILLED WITH JOY. YOU DESERVE A PARTNER WHO IS GOING TO BE THERE FOR YOU, SUPPORT YOU, HELP YOU, ENCOURAGE YOU AND LOVE YOU.

If you have any questions please email Nicole at nicole@faithfuldeedsfoundation.org or visit the website www.gardenofpurpose.com or www.faithfulfeedsfoundation.org

Friday, August 17, 2012

Understanding the cycle of an abuser: The key to escaping

It has been a while since I wrote a blog post, but this one will definitely be a very sensitive and serious one. I realize that there are many people in domestic violence situations that actually do want to get out (contrary to popular belief), but that just don't know how or feel like they do not have any support. If you are one of those people who feel like you do not have any support, I want to first let you know that you will ALWAYS have God. God can and will rescue you from ANY situation.

We often hear about the cycle of abuse, that is one thing that is talked about more now than ever, but what we rarely hear about is the cycle of the abuser. Now, some may say that the cycle of the abuser is similar or the same to the cycle of abuse, but that is not so(at least I don't think so ). I think there are two important keys to being able to leave an unhealthy or abusive relationship, one is to learn and know the cycle of an abuser and the second is to have a plan.

Let's talk about the cycle of an abuser. What is meant by learning the cycle of an abuser? In order to learn the cycle of an abuser one has to pay attention to what makes the abuser mad(keep it mind that abuse happens to men and women). What makes him/her mad, frustrated, sad, what happens before they hurt you? What times are they more likely to hurt you? For most survivors it was that one moment when they told themselves that their abuser would never hurt them again, but then once he/she did the person that was being abused left. See because it was something that made the survivor say look I have to get out of this situation. I believe it is when the survivors learn their abusers cycle and come to realize that it is just that a cycle and that their abuser is not changing, that the survivor decides to leave.

See, when one learns their abusers cycle, one begins to realize that their abuser is not changing. The most important reason why one should learn their abusers cycle is because then one will be able to tell if they are changing and if they are being truthful. Abusers ALWAYS say that they will not hurt you again, they ALWAYS cry and say how much they love you, they almost always say they hurt you because they love you and we know that this is not true. Abusers will may slow down for a minute just to make you think that they won't do it again, that is why it is important to learn the cycle.

Another important reason to learn an abusers cycle is because believe it or not they are learning and studying you. They already know what makes you mad, sad, frustrated, happy, etc they know and they feed off that! Thats how it works and the MOST important reason to learn an abusers cycle is because your LIFE depends on it. Sometimes we just have to outsmart them. If you are looking to leave your unhealthy relationship start learning your abusers cycle. Do they get mad when you do not do something the way they want it? Do they get mad when you wear certain things? Do they get mad when you talk to certain people? Pay attention to what makes them mad. Most times when you are in a unhealthy relationship it is hard to see why in fact your abuser is mad because it probably seems like they are always mad. Learning your abusers cycle will really help because it will help you be more cautious as to when something is going to happen. Pay attention to when your abuser is happy. What makes them happy? Pay attention because this will help you read between the lies that he or she  may be telling.

Now, how does learning the cycle really tie into leaving? Well, it helps you emotionally. Once you see that your abuser is not changing and you see that the cycle of abuse is continuing. You will start to see that you deserve better and you will want better. It will also help you with your plan. Everybody will have a different plan so I cannot speak on that too specifically, but I will say if you do plan on leaving, leave when he or she is not around! Learning their cycle will help you with this. When is he or she gone for the longest? Is it when they are at work? Do they work out? Do they go to bars? Do they have friends? What are your abusers interest? This will help! I pray that this helps someone I really do. God put this on my heart and I will always follow him. God is longing to help those who are dealing with abuse. Also, please reach and tell someone if you are in an abusive relationship, sometimes it helps when someone knows and is willing to help you. if you need to talk or want to share a testimony you can visit Faithful Deeds Foundation or email me at nicole@faithfuldeedsfoundation.org

I would like to end this post with a prayer for those who are wanting to leave an unhealthy relationship.
Father God, Lord Jesus I came to you tonight interceding for those who are in an unhealthy relationship and that want to be freed from it. I pray Lord that you send your angels concerning them to lead them, guide them, cover them, direct them and love them. I pray Lord that you heal them emotionally, physically, and mentally in Jesus Name. I also pray Lord that you help them to know how much you love them and to know that someone who Loves them would not hurt them purposefully. I pray Lord that you give them the strength to leave their unhealthy relationship, I pray Lord that you remove any hindrances or anything blocking them from leaving or anything blocking the blesses that you have for them. I decree and declare that all who read this shall live and not die because that is not in your plan for their life. I pray Lord that you send people in their lives who will be understanding and willing them to help them. I pray that you protect them from those in their lives with misunderstanding of their situation or that will be judgmental towards them. I pray that you protect them, their children, friends and families and that you keep your angels close to them whenever they go including their workplace. I pray all these things in your name Jesus, In Jesus Name, Amen.

God Bless You All.